Caught between two lovers!

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

I’ve changed the names in this dream in case my new boyfriend happens to read your column.  I don’t want to make things any worse than they are! 

I’m in a relationship now with Frank, and I’m pretty sure he’s the one for me.  But when we first got together he kept bugging me with questions, so I gave in and made the mistake of telling him about my ex, Jim.  Now Frank seems preoccupied with my past, and I’m beginning to wonder about the whole deal! 

Then last night I dreamed that I was sleeping in bed and Jim, my ex, was sleeping next to me.  I turned over to find that Frank was sleeping next to me on the other side!  After turning back and forth I was really worried about what to do.

So I woke Jim up to get him to slip out before Frank wakes up and discovers him.  But Frank does wake up and begins complaining about Jim being there!  I am very upset and afraid that Frank’s going to start a fistfight with Jim (something he’d never really do because Jim is much bigger and stronger).  That’s when I woke up feeling very upset. 

This dream’s trying to tell me something, but I don’t know what! 

Signed,

Caught Between Two Lovers

Dear Caught,

While our dreams are often metaphorical and confusing, speaking to us with complex images and bizarre activities, they sometimes just tell it like it is! 

Your dream seems to fall into the latter category, stating in very direct terms the dilemma you face:  In effect, you’ve taken your ex, Jim, to bed with you and Frank by talking about him in too much detail.  Now Frank is worried about comparisons between himself and Jim.  He brought them upon himself of course, with his relentless questions.  And perhaps his insecurities prompted you to turn and have another look at Jim yourself. 

It’s interesting to think that Frank may have inadvertently created the very circumstance he dreads ~ he bugged you with so many questions about Jim that you began thinking of Jim and making the very comparisons Frank hoped to avoid.  Your dream reflects this with your turning back and forth between them.

You say that if it came to a physical showdown Jim would win.  Perhaps he’d win in any case.  You don’t mention if Jim is still on the periphery of your life, but it doesn’t matter.  You say you’re only ‘pretty sure’ Frank’s the one for you.  And your dream confirms your mind’s not made up in favor of either of these two men.  After all, you don’t order Jim out of the room, you tell him to slip out as though to protect him.  You even protect yourself a bit since you don’t want Frank to know Jim’s there. 

Don’t make commitments when you’re on soft ground, Dear Dreamer!  Starting a new relationship before the old one’s finished creates strange bedfellows.

Sweet Dreams to You!

A Horse in the Refrigerator!

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

I had a jumble of dreams with only one thing that stands out well enough to remember, and it’s the same dream I’ve had so many times! 

There’s a vivid image of a broken down nag of a horse standing and looking into my refrigerator!  It makes me mad to see him there, so I kick him in the rear, thinking I’ll get him to move.  But when I do this, he falls head first into the fridge.  Then he turns around and comes out just the way you’d expect a horse to come out of a fridge - clumsy, awkward and making a big mess.  He just stood there and looked at me.  I knew he was hungry. 

Then he gave me a beautiful, expensive ring!  I loved it, but knew I couldn’t afford it.  I was afraid to take it off though, because I knew then I would have to pay the price!

I have some weird dreams, but this might be the weirdest!  Why do you suppose it keeps coming back?

Signed,

Amused and Confused

Dear Amused,

The weird and incongruous images in our dreams are rich in metaphor.  Just as you say, they can be amusing even while they’re confusing.  But think for a moment about a “broken down nag of a horse.”  If you saw one in a pasture, you might say he’s past his prime.  He’s unable to run and play, enjoy life or perform the duties he was meant to do.  It’s a sad sight.  But not if he’s in your kitchen doing the things a nag does – eating and complaining.  I’m guessing this reminds you of someone you know.  Someone you support!

When you attempt to motivate him with a swift kick in the butt, he just gets worse.  He turns around and comes right back and makes a big mess in the process.  You’ve been through this before.  It probably feels very familiar.

And it’s likely that this drain on your resources has distracted you more than once with impressive gifts that you wound up paying for.  Why else would your dreaming self be concerned with the expense of the ‘gift’? 

You say whatever the price is, you’ll have to pay it when you take off the ring.  Maybe that’s why you have repeated this scenario so many times in your waking life!  You feel frustration and anger, but when it comes to removing the ring, you hesitate.  After all, you love it/him.  And you seem to feel a bit of guilt as well in your dream when you waiver saying you could tell the horse was hungry.

Many a person is caught up in repetitive, self-defeating circumstances in the name of love, Dear Dreamer.  Your dream suggests you must decide whether to continue repeating the drama as it plays out; or, to take off the ring and break the spell.  Both scenarios have their price, the least of which is a recurring dream.

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

You don't have to understand your dreams to love them!

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

I tend to dream frequently.  I often find my dreams so bizarre that they are funny and entertaining to me.  

I'm not curious about what they might mean, but I am curious as to why it is so difficult to remember most of them for more than just a few minutes after waking up.  Occasionally I can remember one throughout the day; but most seem to vanish from my memory by the time I finish my morning shower.  

I'm also interested in knowing how long a typical dream lasts?  Some seem to last for hours, but I've heard that they really only last a few seconds.  I find that really hard to imagine.

Thanks,

David in Tennessee 

Dear David,

We each dream every night, so I’m not surprised to hear you say you dream often.  Those who say they don’t dream, or dream only now and then most likely aren’t remembering their nightly journeys.  In fact, some research suggests that if a person is deprived of his REM sleep, some of that peculiar dream-like behavior or perception can spill into his waking life!

I agree!  Dreams can seem so bizarre that they are entertaining and funny.  Our dreams’ composite images and unusual juxtaposition of elements make them intriguing and irresistible.  No wonder dreams have captivated mankind for millennia!  There's value in nighttime entertainment!

Regarding forgetting your dreams so quickly, dream researchers say that during REM sleep, we experience a sort of paralysis ~ our muscles are locked.  Some suggest we retain muscle memory of a dream's content.  So, when we wake and begin to stir, we start a process that can help erase those tenuously stored memories. 

One strategy for holding onto your evening's comedy show is to lie still for a few moments when you first wake.  It’s a little more difficult than you might think to resist the urge to stretch and reposition yourself!  But close your eyes again and hold your thoughts of the upcoming day at a distance.  Take just a moment to review the memories of your dreams before you begin the process of re-entering your waking world. 

Of course, if you were to jot down even a phrase or two, you'd encourage your Dreaming Self to hang with you a little longer.

Regarding the length of a 'typical' dream, it's harder to say, but the REM cycle is part of a cycle of sleep that lasts roughly 90 minutes.  So, while a dream may seem to last for hours, it's likely that our dreams' defiance of the laws of physics and time, along with their wholly engrossing nature, create that sensation. 

You might enjoy exploring the world of lucid dreams.  Current research and discussion of lucid dreaming by Robert Waggoner in his book Lucid Dreaming:  Gateway to the Inner Self; and Stephen La Berge’s body of work offer the history and how-to’s of this fascinating element of dreaming.

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

sendmeyourdreams@mail.com

Buried Treasures are Just What They Seem

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

I’ve been going to a dream group for almost a year now.  Everyone in the group has such detailed and interesting dreams, even complete stories!  But not me!  If I remember a dream, it’s usually just one picture, like a leaf or a hand.  So I’ve been kind of a problem for the group until now.  Finally, I had a ‘real’ dream!

I dreamed of being in a quarry.  All around me were beautiful stones.  Even though they were dirty, of course, I could see quartz, marble and granite.  I saw a stone bench top.  It looked ready to use – pre-cut and polished.  It had beautiful geodes in it that looked like knots in wood.  I offered it to the person with me saying, “You take it or I will.”

I saw a natural stone ‘stack’ marker like the ones people leave alongside hiking paths to show the way.  I saw jewelry made from stones including dangly earrings.  I said, “Maybe I’ll start wearing them.”

I found a cuff-style ring made of silver with a small red stone and put it on immediately.  I loved it.  It looked great on my left ring finger.  I wanted it, but it turned my finger green very fast.

This dream makes me feel great, but I’m not sure I ‘get’ all the details.  What do you think? 

Signed,

At last!  A Real Dream!

Dear Real Dream,

No need to be discouraged about single-image dreams like the leaf or hand that you mentioned.  Even the dream with only one static picture was chosen carefully by your Dreaming Self and has relevance for you.  But for now, we’ll stick with your ‘real dream.’

The concept of working a quarry is likely speaking to the exploration you’ve undertaken in your dreamwork efforts.  Searching under the surface connotes mining for something precious; and you’re finding plenty of subterranean gems!  In fact, you’re surrounded by beautiful and precious stones, even if some are still rough or covered with dirt.  This can be analogous to the work you’ve begun by paying attention to your dreams and using them for growth and enrichment.  With polish, the gems you find will offer rewards and encouragement as you become more successful. 

Just like on a hiking path, you find a stone marker showing the way.  You seem to be considering how to make the most of the objects you’re finding – the earrings – “maybe I’ll wear them.”  And the bench, “maybe I’ll take it.”

The cuff ring offers a cautionary note.  Don’t be too eager to marry something (you put it on your left ring ‘wedding’ finger) – like putting on handcuffs – that may turn out to be less valuable or worthy.  Investigate thoroughly first!

Dear Dreamer, by working patiently with your dreams, you have tapped into a rich and valuable mine stocked with gems of insights and nuggets of wisdom!  You’re on your way to exciting adventures of discovery and growth!

Congratulations and Sweet Dreams to You!

SMYD

sendmeyourdreams@mail.com

Don't reject the green whale too quickly

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

In my dream I’m walking along a beach with a tall, handsome man.  I see only him.  I’m deeply in love with him.  Then a whale swims out in the water near the beach.  It’s one of those black and white whales that can be dangerous. 

Just then, big waves wash ashore and the whale comes with them up onto the sand.  But now it’s not black and white anymore.  It’s kind of a weird green and it has legs!  I’m surprised and curious about the green whale.  It’s odd, unusual looking, intriguing.  But I’m also worried about the man of my dream.  Did the waves crash over him?  Has he been pulled out to sea?  Is he still on shore and injured?  I hurry past the green whale in hopes of finding the man.  But then I wake up!

Signed,

A Bit Freaked Out by a Green Whale

Dear Freaked,

Your dream may offer insights when approached from a linguistic angle.  Our dreams often combine the rich language of metaphor with the clever shape shifters of puns to convey meaning. 

First, consider the black and white whale that your dream presents as the kind of whale that can be dangerous.  When we toy with the phrase ‘black and white’ we quickly come to the idea of rigid thinking.  When a person sees as black and white, they’re right or wrong, good or bad, with no room for a shade of gray or a thought outside our strictly established opinions.  Your dreaming self presents this manner of thinking as dangerous.

In your dream, you see only the tall dark man.  You are deeply in love with him and your focus on him excludes all else.  First your dream shows you the black and white as dangerous, and now puts you in danger of the crashing waves when you focus on only the one thing you love.  It can be risky to keep the blinders on, to avoid looking at things outside your normal pattern.  Does this remind you of a circumstance in your waking life, one in which you deliberately cling to your view or opinion of something you ‘love’ to the exclusion of other options?

When the whale transforms itself, your dreaming self is surprised and intrigued at its unusual appearance.  In another play on words, it now ‘has legs’ like an idea or train of thought worth exploring.  You seem to pause for a moment, curious about this new creature.  Naturally, you’re unsure since it doesn’t fit your black and white view of the world.  So, you dismiss the opportunity to learn about a new creature, and rush to reconnect with your previous love, your old familiar pattern of thinking.

It’s wonderful to be in love, Dear Dreamer.  But closing yourself to the new and different might not lead to the happy ending of your fantasy.  At the very least, explore the options.  Understand what’s being offered before you let it go.    

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

sendmeyourdreams@mail.com       

Stuck with a Tattoo!

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

This dream came in full color and was quite striking, but I am puzzled as to what it might mean: 

In my dream I can’t find work, so I am getting a tattoo on my arm.  It’s one of those advertising tattoos and I’m going to be paid for displaying it.  It’s an elaborate tattoo with moving images and it’s going to cover a lot of my arm.  It will take more than one session to complete. 

During the process, I begin to realize that I don’t want this tattoo.  The woman tells me that I won’t be paid just for “wearing” the tattoo; I must also sell the products I’m advertising.  I didn’t know that going in, and I don’t want to do that. 

I don’t know where to start with this dream since I’m not unemployed in real life.  (I am Trapped in a job I’d like to get out of, though.) 

I’d never get a tattoo either!  What if I change my mind later?  So that part makes some sense.  But this dream seems weird to me.  What do you think?

Signed,

Stuck with a Tattoo

Dear Stuck,

When looking for clues as to where to start with a dream, it can be helpful to go first to the most powerful or emotion-laden image.  In this dream, it’s that big, colorful, advertising tattoo.  The tattoo offers a rich image with the depth of moving images within! 

Gayle Delaney, Ph.D., co-founder of the International Association for the Study of Dreams says once you’ve selected an image, try explaining it or defining it as though you were speaking to a child, or a Martian – someone who asks ‘what’s a tattoo?’ because they really don’t know. 

In such a conversation you might say, “A tattoo is a permanent decoration created by putting ink under a person’s skin making indelible patterns and pictures.  I’d never get one because I don’t like to be locked into a situation with no way out.”

Ah!  Now an idea emerges.   In your dream, you seem to have been tricked into getting something permanent.  Perhaps you committed too soon since you weren’t given the full details of the arrangement.   Does this ring a bell?  Your dream suggest it’s about your job – the one you say you’re “trapped” in and would like to get out of.  Do you feel like you were misled when you accepted that job?

Noted dream researcher Jeremy Taylor, Ph.D., says our dreams don’t tell us what we already know.  I agree, but would add that they often call things to our attention that we overlook or deny in our waking lives.  Maybe for the sake of peace in the workplace you’ve overlooked the fact that you feel duped into taking the job.  Or, perhaps you’ve denied your tendency to commit too soon.

That’s why it’s important to go on to the next step and ask the question the dream poses:  How do you reverse what seems irreversible?

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

Who's in charge of your identity?

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

This will be brief since I’m writing to you from a symposium where I’m a presenter on a panel with other experts in my field.  I’m a little anxious about my presentation, and this dream didn’t help:

I’ve taken my blue car to the DMV or somewhere else where it will be inspected.  When I come back to pick it up, it’s not there.  I ask the man behind the counter and he doesn’t know where my car is.  He doesn’t seem to be concerned.  He turns to some other guys behind him and they just shrug. 

It’s upsetting to me that they are so casual and uninterested.  One says he thought he saw my car “over there.”  When I go there, I see a blue car that looks like mine, but when I get closer, it’s not my car at all.  I am more upset and worried at each step along the way.  I left my wallet, driver’s license, registration and insurance papers all in the car!  I wake up thinking someone has stolen my car.

Signed,

Lost My Car and Everything Else

Dear Lost,

Several elements of your dream offer insights into its likely application in your waking life.  Past president of the International Association for the Study of Dreams, Robert Gongloff, starts with what he calls the theme of the dream to move quickly to the “aha” experience, the heart of the dream.

The first step in Gongloff’s approach is to restate the circumstances and actions of your dream without using the language of your dream:  You give valuable possessions including your mode of getting around in the world, your important documents and your identification, to strangers who will examine them critically.

Does a possible understanding jump out at you now?  Your dream seems to reflect the anxiety you mentioned at presenting your “stuff” in front of other experts in your field.  They’re going to be inspecting, and perhaps passing judgment on your work.  For many of us, perhaps you too Dear Dreamer, our “stuff” makes up our image of ourselves.  We identify ourselves by what we do.  Anyone would feel anxious when under scrutiny by experts!

Another restatement of your dream might be that you’ve given control of your identity to strangers who don’t care about it, misplace it among things that are similar, but incorrect.  You’ve lost your identity in an uncaring setting.

It seems clear that in the setting you mention, a symposium where you are up for comparison to other experts (you must be an expert too!) anxiety is normal.  No one likes the uncertainty of outcome you faced.  Your dream reflects this metaphorically.

But don’t stop there!  Consider the question your dream asks:  Do you put your identity in the hands of others?  If so, why?  Considering these questions takes your dream from the level of reporting what you may be overlooking or denying into a realm of self-exploration that can be life altering.

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

sendmeyourdreams@mail.com