Chasing youth

The things we seek in our dreams may reflect the things we yearn for in our waking lives.  Today’s dreamer offers a perfect example.

Dear SMYD,

In a dream I had a few days ago I was looking down at my own scalp from outside of my body as if I was examining the scalp of someone else.  My scalp had an enormous amount of light brown aging spots.  I was very uncomfortable with that.  (I currently have a few spots popping up as is to be expected as we get older.)

Then in my dream last night, I come across a baby deer and it is sitting still.  I reach for it and it doesn't feel threatened, as if it doesn't know that it should be afraid of me.  The fawn has now stood on all fours.  It is still unaware of my presence.  As I reach for it to pick it up I get a little nervous that I may startle it and it will run away and I won't be able to catch it.  My goal is to catch it and hold it close to me.  As I am looking at it, I can see light brown spots on it.  It seems to be a bit bloated and not as thin as regular baby deer.

I can see the outline and shape of its young body.  Its torso seems to be out of proportion to the head and legs.  The torso is large, almost swollen or bloated.  It seems odd to me and makes it a bit awkward as I pick it up.  Its extra weight seems to throw it off its center of gravity and as I lift it I have to adjust my own center of gravity so I don't lose my balance.  As I hold it close to me it feels awkward.  The experience of holding it is not like how I imagined it would be.  There is incongruence with what my mind perceived the experience would be like and what my body is actually experiencing.

Signed,

Trying to Catch a Fawn

 

Dear Fawn,

Both your dreams acknowledge your surprise along with some anxiety and discomfort as you recognize signs of aging in yourself.  When you have some perspective in the first dream, you must acknowledge the “age spots,” but they make you uncomfortable. 

In the second dream, the fawn, a symbol of your youth and innocence, is unaware of the older you.  You want to capture it and hold it close to you, but when you do catch it, you have that incongruent feeling: things aren't what you expected them to be.  You have to make adjustments to balance out the physical changes you encounter as you’re aging.  Your actual experiences are not what you expected and it throws you off. 

But not to worry, Dear Dreamer, it’s only the fawn’s body that’s out of proportion to its head.  Just like you, it thinks and feels young, but must adjust to the changes in its body!

Sweet Dreams to You!

SMYD

Stuck with a Tattoo!

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

This dream came in full color and was quite striking, but I am puzzled as to what it might mean: 

In my dream I can’t find work, so I am getting a tattoo on my arm.  It’s one of those advertising tattoos and I’m going to be paid for displaying it.  It’s an elaborate tattoo with moving images and it’s going to cover a lot of my arm.  It will take more than one session to complete. 

During the process, I begin to realize that I don’t want this tattoo.  The woman tells me that I won’t be paid just for “wearing” the tattoo; I must also sell the products I’m advertising.  I didn’t know that going in, and I don’t want to do that. 

I don’t know where to start with this dream since I’m not unemployed in real life.  (I am Trapped in a job I’d like to get out of, though.) 

I’d never get a tattoo either!  What if I change my mind later?  So that part makes some sense.  But this dream seems weird to me.  What do you think?

Signed,

Stuck with a Tattoo

Dear Stuck,

When looking for clues as to where to start with a dream, it can be helpful to go first to the most powerful or emotion-laden image.  In this dream, it’s that big, colorful, advertising tattoo.  The tattoo offers a rich image with the depth of moving images within! 

Gayle Delaney, Ph.D., co-founder of the International Association for the Study of Dreams says once you’ve selected an image, try explaining it or defining it as though you were speaking to a child, or a Martian – someone who asks ‘what’s a tattoo?’ because they really don’t know. 

In such a conversation you might say, “A tattoo is a permanent decoration created by putting ink under a person’s skin making indelible patterns and pictures.  I’d never get one because I don’t like to be locked into a situation with no way out.”

Ah!  Now an idea emerges.   In your dream, you seem to have been tricked into getting something permanent.  Perhaps you committed too soon since you weren’t given the full details of the arrangement.   Does this ring a bell?  Your dream suggest it’s about your job – the one you say you’re “trapped” in and would like to get out of.  Do you feel like you were misled when you accepted that job?

Noted dream researcher Jeremy Taylor, Ph.D., says our dreams don’t tell us what we already know.  I agree, but would add that they often call things to our attention that we overlook or deny in our waking lives.  Maybe for the sake of peace in the workplace you’ve overlooked the fact that you feel duped into taking the job.  Or, perhaps you’ve denied your tendency to commit too soon.

That’s why it’s important to go on to the next step and ask the question the dream poses:  How do you reverse what seems irreversible?

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

Who's in charge of your identity?

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

This will be brief since I’m writing to you from a symposium where I’m a presenter on a panel with other experts in my field.  I’m a little anxious about my presentation, and this dream didn’t help:

I’ve taken my blue car to the DMV or somewhere else where it will be inspected.  When I come back to pick it up, it’s not there.  I ask the man behind the counter and he doesn’t know where my car is.  He doesn’t seem to be concerned.  He turns to some other guys behind him and they just shrug. 

It’s upsetting to me that they are so casual and uninterested.  One says he thought he saw my car “over there.”  When I go there, I see a blue car that looks like mine, but when I get closer, it’s not my car at all.  I am more upset and worried at each step along the way.  I left my wallet, driver’s license, registration and insurance papers all in the car!  I wake up thinking someone has stolen my car.

Signed,

Lost My Car and Everything Else

Dear Lost,

Several elements of your dream offer insights into its likely application in your waking life.  Past president of the International Association for the Study of Dreams, Robert Gongloff, starts with what he calls the theme of the dream to move quickly to the “aha” experience, the heart of the dream.

The first step in Gongloff’s approach is to restate the circumstances and actions of your dream without using the language of your dream:  You give valuable possessions including your mode of getting around in the world, your important documents and your identification, to strangers who will examine them critically.

Does a possible understanding jump out at you now?  Your dream seems to reflect the anxiety you mentioned at presenting your “stuff” in front of other experts in your field.  They’re going to be inspecting, and perhaps passing judgment on your work.  For many of us, perhaps you too Dear Dreamer, our “stuff” makes up our image of ourselves.  We identify ourselves by what we do.  Anyone would feel anxious when under scrutiny by experts!

Another restatement of your dream might be that you’ve given control of your identity to strangers who don’t care about it, misplace it among things that are similar, but incorrect.  You’ve lost your identity in an uncaring setting.

It seems clear that in the setting you mention, a symposium where you are up for comparison to other experts (you must be an expert too!) anxiety is normal.  No one likes the uncertainty of outcome you faced.  Your dream reflects this metaphorically.

But don’t stop there!  Consider the question your dream asks:  Do you put your identity in the hands of others?  If so, why?  Considering these questions takes your dream from the level of reporting what you may be overlooking or denying into a realm of self-exploration that can be life altering.

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

sendmeyourdreams@mail.com

Dream Breakdown Warns of Serious Problems

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

My family tells me I'm back from the dead!  I have severe sleep apnea.  Every now and then it causes me to quit breathing and my heart completely stops.  When I’m that in that state, I’m considered to be "clinically dead."  My family knows this and always keeps an ear tuned to my bedroom.  They’re afraid I won’t wake up!

In my dream I was trying to get my car started because the engine failed.  It finally started but it was running weak until two unknown guys pushed on the valves to make them move.  

With the car running, I kept on dreaming in a sound and peaceful sleep until there was a knock on my door.  It was my cousin.  I could detect a bit of panic in her voice as she was saying, "Are you alright?!"  She told me later that I was so slow to answer her knock that she was afraid my sleep apnea got the best of me.

It's a great day to be alive!

Signed,

Sleeping Too Soundly

Dear Sleeping,

Perhaps you’ve seen past columns in which we've said to dreamers that it makes good sense to consider a literal meaning to their dreams.  So, if this were a literal dream showing that the valves in your car are stuck, now would be a good time to check those valves.  Consider your car’s condition.  Does it need a tune up?

Your dream isn’t literal, Dear Dreamer, though its message is straightforward and should not be ignored.  This important health dream uses your car as a metaphor for your body.  It illustrates how your sleep apnea can cause your engine - your heart - to fail!  WebMD reports that untreated sleep apnea can cause hypertension, stroke, or heart failure.  This is a dramatic statement of the danger you are in! 

In your dream, your “engine” stops running and you can’t get it started again without the help of a couple of guys pushing on the valves.  You didn’t mention what those unknown guys were wearing when they helped you.  I wonder if they wore white doctor’s smocks! 

Dear Dreamer, if your car wouldn’t start or if its performance was weakened by sticky valves, I’m sure you would get it into the shop right away.  Your dream is speaking in the same terms about your most precious personal possession, your body.  Give yourself the same level of care!  Get right into the doctor and have yourself checked out.  Don’t keep living in a weakened state. 

And don’t leave your survival to the chance of a family member knocking on your door at the critical moment.  The expectation that they will always keep an ear tuned and constantly remain at the ready to save your life is an unfair one.  You are responsible to yourself and your family.

As you said, it’s a great day to be alive.  Take care of yourself and stay that way!

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

Take Care of Your Baby!

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

“Joe” is not my favorite person.  We worked together for a couple of years and I found him to be untrustworthy.  More than once I discovered that when he said he was completing his side of the project we were assigned to, he just wasn’t doing his part.  I was glad when he left the company.  Why he, of all people, would appear in my dream, I do not understand!  Here it is:

I dreamed I was babysitting for Joe.  He left me with his infant son, and soon I left the baby alone!  I returned and the baby was fine.  Nothing bad happened.  But Joe found out and sat me down to make it clear that this was not OK.  I disliked having Joe tell me what to do, but I had to agree not to do it again.

Then, the very next time he left me with the baby, I did the same thing!  This time, while I was away, I suddenly became fearful that something would go wrong.  I raced back toward the baby, and to my relief, found him alive.  But it looked like he was decaying.  His skin was blotchy and I had to work to revive him.  I was relieved he survived, no thanks to my neglect!  I escaped without killing the baby, but I knew I would not continue to be so lucky.

What in the world could this be about?

Signed,

Neglecting Joe’s Baby

Dear Neglecting,

I hate to tell you this, but you asked for it!  Your dream seems to be suggesting that in some way, in your waking life, you are behaving just like your least favorite person, Joe!

Examine your waking life, Dear Dreamer.  What pet project are you working on that you would call “your baby?”  Do some soul searching.  Do you give that project your full and proper attention?  Or are you careless and inattentive?  Are you really making progress on that project?  Or are you fooling yourself, telling yourself (like Joe would) that it’s moving along when by objective assessment, it isn’t?  Are you misleading others as well?  Maybe by telling little white lies when you’re asked how it’s going.  Do you often have to apologize and promise to do better next time?    

Your dream suggests that as Joe did when you worked together, you are neglecting something that will wither and die when left alone.  Be honest with yourself, Dear Dreamer:  Have you professed to be caring for or nurturing an aspect of your life that you’re actually ignoring, or treating carelessly?  

You don’t like it in your dream when irresponsible Joe gets to be the boss.  You’ll like it even less if you let his mode of operating take over in your waking life.  It’s on you to be reliable and dependable.  Let your actions match your words.  It’s not too late to revive your “baby.”  But you won’t be lucky forever.  It will not thrive with repeated neglect.

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

Can't Save My Daughter

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

Our daughter is a wonderful girl who fell in with a bad crowd.  She began doing hard drugs and got addicted.  All the bad things that you can imagine followed:  she lived in squalor, stole to support her habit, went in and out of rehab facilities, even went to jail.  We’ve paid for the rehab and lawyers, bought her food, clothes, everything.  Our hearts have been broken and since she’s an adult, now 27 years old, there is less and less we can do when she’s in trouble – she refuses to come home and live with us. 

She’s out of jail now and sober, but we cannot relax and feel like this is the time she’ll finally rise out of her problems.  If we miss our regular phone conversation with her, we start thinking the worst right away.

We are now one week past our normal phone call/check in, and I had three short, terrible dreams:

First, she’s in a mud pit, or some kind of quick sand.  I cannot get to her and help her.  She keeps rising to the top, gasping for air, and going back under.

Second, we’re in a strange house, almost like a hoarder’s house – all stacked up with junk and clutter.  There’s a piece of bread in a weird toaster and it’s burning.  I can smell the smoke.  When she opens the toaster, the bread is black and ruined.

Third, in the same house, the same heaped up terribly disorganized kitchen, an egg is frying in a skillet, but it has a huge yolk, almost like a tennis ball, and it’s red like it’s filled with blood.  The fire is up too high, and I’m searching for a spatula in the mess, hoping to turn the egg, or get it out of the pan before it’s too late.

Needless to say, these three dreams have me frantic with worry.  What should I do?

Signed,

Helpless Parent

Dear Parent,

You may have heard me say - your dreams are your dreams.  They come from you and are about you and your feelings.   

The terrible images in your dreams provide metaphors that you may have used in describing your daughter:  she’s drowning in drugs and you can’t get to her; her brain is burnt up; it’s toast; she’s fried her brain.  It’s significant in each scenario that you want to help, but cannot.  You acknowledged it yourself, she’s an adult now. 

As you alluded to in your comments, in these extremely sad cases, most if not all the work of recovery must be done by the addict.  You dreams play that out in stark images for a loving and frightened parent.  You feel helpless.

But there is something you can do:  Take care of yourself.  Seek out a support group for parents in similar circumstances.  You are not alone.  Your daughter is lucky to have you.  Be sure she does.

Best Wishes and Sweeter Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

sendmeyourdreams@mail.com