Old Flame at the Reunion

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

I’m a successful and happily married man, trying to decide whether or not to attend my 25 year high school reunion.  I didn’t go to the five and ten year reunions because just thinking about it brings up memories of an old girlfriend.  I’ll call her Jenny.  I have thought of Jenny many times over the years, usually with anger. 

I loved Jenny.  But she treated me pretty badly.  She always left me feeling as if her expectations for me were low.  Her eye was constantly wandering, looking for someone better.  In retrospect, I’d say she used me.  I never felt secure when I was with her.  Still, I sought her out.  I went back to her every time I had the chance.

Then last night I dreamed that I was back in the hallways of our high school going to the gym for a homecoming dance.  Jenny was ahead of me and I followed her like I did when we were young.  She clearly didn’t care about me, and only occasionally glanced over her shoulder to give an expression of impatience or disgust.  Once, she started to hand me something; I couldn’t quite see what it was.  As I reached for it, she turned away and it disappeared.  I woke up wondering what it was she had in her hand.

Some of this seems obvious.  But that gift, that thing she was going to hand me; I want to know what it was!

Should I go to the reunion?  If I saw her at the reunion, what would I say?

Signed,

Old Schoolboy

Dear Old Schoolboy,

Young love is a powerful thing.  It can be especially painful when a teenager is trying to find himself and at the same time is caught up in a lopsided relationship.  The internal struggle you describe in your waking life - trying to decide whether to risk seeing Jenny again - reveals that even now, you still care to some tiny degree.  Otherwise, you wouldn’t be composing a speech every time you think of her.   

Your dream reaffirms that when it comes to Jenny, your feelings haven’t changed since you last saw her.  You’ve reverted to that puppy love, and follow her through the hallways, accepting any scrap of attention she offers.  Almost like an abused child, you take negative attention as better than no attention. 

The gesture she makes to you, as though offering you something, turns out to be empty.  Just as before, she leaves you with nothing of substance.  Not regular attention or company, not the barest of commitment. 

Should you go to the reunion?  Only if there are others with whom you’d like to reconnect.  Don’t let Jenny keep you away; but don’t let her be the reason you’re going.  You’re a successful and happily married man.  If you see her there, I’d say keep it upbeat and vague.  “So nice to see you.”  Then turn back to your wife, leaving Jenny to wonder what you might have offered her.

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

sendmeyourdreams@mail.com       

Your Dream says, "Go For It!"

Dearest Dreamers,

April 1, 2012, is the last day for Early Bird registration at the International Association for the Study of Dreams, June 22-26^th, at the Doubletree Hotel in Berkeley.

This year's conference promises workshops, panels, symposia, and special events featuring three world-renowned keynote presenters.  I hope to see you there!  www.asdreams.org

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

I recommended a friend of mine, “Barry,” for an important job and he got it.  But he’s messing up in his new position.  He seems ineffectual and his credibility has dropped.  He may not be able to get back on track.  It’s humiliating for him and for me since I vouched for him.  Now, because of his mistakes, I feel intimidated to apply for the promotion I was counting on!

Last night I dreamed Barry was struggling in front of a classroom and I was there to help him.  I was able to help him by prompting him as he spoke, encouraging him to go on, feeding him information.  My credibility went up I think, while his went down.

I moved him to the side so he could regain his composure.  He seemed weak.  We sat side by side on a bench and he turned to me and tried to kiss me.  It was going to be a passionate kiss, a gush of appreciation and emotion.  It was a complete surprise to me.  I turned away.

I have always liked and admired Barry, or I wouldn’t have recommended him for the job.  But the idea of kissing him is out of the question!

What’s this dream about?

Signed,

Barry’s Friend

Dear Friend,

Barry is a well-liked figure for you.  You admire him enough to have put yourself on the line to bolster his career.  He symbolizes the hope you have for your own advancement.  Unfortunately, he’s floundering in the new job, and may be unable to recover.  Instead of making himself and you proud, he lacks credibility and is ineffectual, the very things that may scare you about moving up.

A classroom is a public place of learning.  In that setting, Barry falters, just like at your workplace, in front of everyone.  But he needs your help!  And, your Dreaming Self assures you that you are able to help him.  You do so without hesitation, with confidence, with credibility, and with success. 

When you move him out of the spotlight, he tries to kiss you, inappropriately.  This suggests that behind the scenes, subconsciously, the weak, insecure part of yourself is trying to connect with the stronger, more confident you.  You turn away from that connection.  It’s inappropriate!  It’s not you!

Perhaps you have a fearful thought in the back of your mind that says “You will fail like Barry.”  It’s another reason your Dreaming Self chose him, I’m certain.  Nevertheless, Dear Dreamer, follow your dream’s advice:  Don’t make that passionate connection with this weaker part of yourself, the part with low self-esteem that sabotages your aspirations and efforts.

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

Take Care of Your Baby!

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

“Joe” is not my favorite person.  We worked together for a couple of years and I found him to be untrustworthy.  More than once I discovered that when he said he was completing his side of the project we were assigned to, he just wasn’t doing his part.  I was glad when he left the company.  Why he, of all people, would appear in my dream, I do not understand!  Here it is:

I dreamed I was babysitting for Joe.  He left me with his infant son, and soon I left the baby alone!  I returned and the baby was fine.  Nothing bad happened.  But Joe found out and sat me down to make it clear that this was not OK.  I disliked having Joe tell me what to do, but I had to agree not to do it again.

Then, the very next time he left me with the baby, I did the same thing!  This time, while I was away, I suddenly became fearful that something would go wrong.  I raced back toward the baby, and to my relief, found him alive.  But it looked like he was decaying.  His skin was blotchy and I had to work to revive him.  I was relieved he survived, no thanks to my neglect!  I escaped without killing the baby, but I knew I would not continue to be so lucky.

What in the world could this be about?

Signed,

Neglecting Joe’s Baby

Dear Neglecting,

I hate to tell you this, but you asked for it!  Your dream seems to be suggesting that in some way, in your waking life, you are behaving just like your least favorite person, Joe!

Examine your waking life, Dear Dreamer.  What pet project are you working on that you would call “your baby?”  Do some soul searching.  Do you give that project your full and proper attention?  Or are you careless and inattentive?  Are you really making progress on that project?  Or are you fooling yourself, telling yourself (like Joe would) that it’s moving along when by objective assessment, it isn’t?  Are you misleading others as well?  Maybe by telling little white lies when you’re asked how it’s going.  Do you often have to apologize and promise to do better next time?    

Your dream suggests that as Joe did when you worked together, you are neglecting something that will wither and die when left alone.  Be honest with yourself, Dear Dreamer:  Have you professed to be caring for or nurturing an aspect of your life that you’re actually ignoring, or treating carelessly?  

You don’t like it in your dream when irresponsible Joe gets to be the boss.  You’ll like it even less if you let his mode of operating take over in your waking life.  It’s on you to be reliable and dependable.  Let your actions match your words.  It’s not too late to revive your “baby.”  But you won’t be lucky forever.  It will not thrive with repeated neglect.

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

Seeing the World through Mom's Eyes

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

I dreamed I was wearing my mom’s contact lenses.  They weren’t really right for me; the prescription didn’t match my needs.  But it seemed to be all I had, so I wore them day after day.  I was frustrated and confused when I was driving to work since it was hard to see the road signs clearly.  Oncoming traffic appeared suddenly and scared me.  I had to react quickly so I was jerking back and forth across the road.  Once I was going the wrong way on an onramp and had to swerve to avoid an accident.  But I felt determined to do my job, so I kept going.

Then, I was at a dinner table with people I couldn’t see very well.  I remember thinking, “Are these my friends?”  I kept rubbing my eyes hoping to clear away the blur, but it didn’t make much difference.  Then I woke up.

My mom died quite a few years ago, so I don’t understand this confusing dream!

Signed,

Can’t See My Way

Dear Can’t See,

It’s always helpful to consider the setting of your dreams as a context for parallels to your waking life.  Your dream puts you in several situations and tells you plainly that you are not seeing things clearly, yet you press on determined to follow through in spite of the dangers.  If driving is an analogy to moving through life, your dream tells you bluntly that the way you’re seeing things, your approach or attitude, is not helping you. 

Further, your dream suggests that your “mother’s way of looking at things,” an outdated or cynical approach, perhaps, may be contributing to the problems you encounter.  You are, after all, looking at these situations through her lenses, her perspective.  This could be speaking to long held beliefs that need to be re-examined in light of the changing world around you.  Even though on one level your Dreaming Self knows that her “prescription” is not right for you, in your dream you seem to shrug your shoulders and accept the problems caused by the outdated way of looking at things.  You keep wearing those lenses day after day.

Your dream has you driving erratically to work, soldiering on in spite of the dangerous situation your poor vision creates.  If you’re similarly frustrated and confused at work, consider examining your viewpoint.  Does it reflect an attitude that is disharmonious with your boss or co-workers?  Are you missing important road signs, and even going the wrong way?  If you cannot tell who your friends are, as is true in your dream, you may have isolated yourself without intending to do so.  

Time to stand up Dear Dreamer and take care of yourself.  Talk with a counselor or a trusted friend and examine your mindset to be sure it’s the one that will help you see your way to success.

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

sendmeyourdreams@mail.com       

Put Your Dreams to Work!

Dearest Dreamers,

In her fascinating book, Writers Dreaming, Naomi Epel gives us windows into the dreams of some of our most famous and acclaimed authors.  From the range of writers who respond to her questions, it’s clear that creative folks “find ideas and inspiration in the intermingling of dreams and their working [lives.]” 

Ms. Epel, dream researcher and radio host, interviewed the likes of Elmore Leonard, Maya Angelou, and Amy Tan - 26 in all are presented in the book.  As she says, these well-known and successful writers “offer a behind-the-scenes look at the workings of the imagination…They discuss the dreams that have had a powerful effect on their work…revealing in the process their philosophies, habitual rituals and ways of solving creative problems.”

I’ll whet your appetite with a couple of examples:  In the chapter devoted to Maya Angelou, we find that she experiences a recurring dream when her work is going well.  She says, “There is a dream which I delight in and long for when I’m writing.  It means to me that the work is going well…Or that I’m telling the truth and telling it well.”  Ms. Angelou goes on to describe her dream as being of a “very tall building…in the process of being built…I’m climbing it with alacrity and joy and laughter!”  You can see the metaphor I’m sure, Dear Dreamers; the analogy between writing a book and constructing a building.  If you’re a writer, I’m sure you also recognize the sensation of pleasure and skill when something meaningful flows from your fingers!

In Writers Dreaming, Stephen King says, “One of the things that I’ve been able to use dreams for in my stories is to show things in a symbolic way that I wouldn’t want to come right out and say directly.  I’ve always used dreams the way you’d use mirrors to look at something  you couldn’t see head-on – the way you use a mirror to look at your hair in the back…dreams are a way that people’s minds illustrate the nature of their problems.  Or maybe even illustrate the answers to their problems in symbolic language.”

Wow!  There it is again – the practical use of dreams for problem solving and creative generation of solutions from some of the most successful and respected authors of our time.  It doesn’t take a giant leap of faith to know that productive and accomplished people across all endeavors can and do employ their dreams, tapping depths of creativity and insight to their work.

Why not you, Dear Dreamer?  I’m certain you have faced or are facing a challenge in your professional life.  Consider that your dreaming self can be helpful in giving you perspective on the problem.  As Stephen King says, a dream may offer an angle on the issue that you just cannot see without it!

If these talented and noteworthy artists rely on their dreams, we too can add them to our toolbox of methods for working resourcefully on the perplexing problems of our daily lives.

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamers!

SMYD

sendmeyourdreams@mail.com

Too Little or Too Much Dreaming

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

I know I dream all the time, but I hardly ever remember my dreams.  I wake up knowing I’ve been dreaming, but can’t recall much of anything.  I can almost feel the dream slipping away as soon as I realize it was there to begin with.

Or, when I do remember a dream, it’s a long, convoluted saga!  I have the sensation that the dream went on and on, traveling from one weird scene to another.  These dreams even seem to cover long periods of time and have so many different characters in them!  Sometimes I recognize the people, but other times my dreams have strangers in them.

It seems impossible to believe that these dreams make any sense or would apply to my life in the real world.  I don’t know how or where to start!

Signed,

Baffled

Dear Baffled,

It’s clear you’re curious about your dreams!  That’s a great place to start even though you may feel at a loss for the moment.  You actually have quite a lot to work with.

First, you mention that though you don’t remember the pictures from your dreams, you wake up knowing you’ve been dreaming, even feeling the dream fade as you become more awake.  Research shows that in addition to their mental images and emotions, dreams create a muscle memory that begins to fade as we start to stir in the morning.  So, if you lie still just a few moments when you first wake up, you increase your chances of recalling a dream. 

And don’t dismiss the feeling of the dream!  If you have a sense of the emotions your dream carried, you have a toehold on the dream itself!

Perhaps the most important step in signaling your brain that you want to remember and learn about your dreams is to write them down.  Even the tiny bits that we’ve just discussed can be recorded in a bedside notepad.  Make a note that you woke feeling you’d had a dream, but it slipped away leaving only a feeling.  Name the feeling.  Was it exaltation?  Anger?  Relief? 

You mention those long involved dreams that seem complex and overwhelming.  Such dreams can feel a little like “War and Peace.”  Don’t try to decipher the entire epic!  Start with an image or two from the dream and write them down.  Record the briefest snippet from the saga.  You will be surprised what power even a static image can hold for you.

Start here:

¬  Lie still for a few moments when you first wake up.

¬  Make note of your dream’s emotions, even if you can’t remember its images.

¬  Record even a fragment of your dream to open the window into your dreaming life.

With these small steps in the direction of remembering and learning from your dreams, you will be rewarded with a rich and varied experience offering wonder and insights into the issues you face every day.

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

sendmeyourdreams@mail.com

Shocking Dream ~ Difficult Insights

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

I’m confused and little bit worried about a couple of dreams I’ve had; and I’m hoping you can help me sort them out, even though I only remember a few details from each one.

I have enjoyed a long and happy career as a classroom teacher.  Working with young people is one of the greatest gifts I know.  It’s true what people say ~ they keep me young!  I love and respect my students.  So these dreams have me very upset!

In the first brief dream, I am at school and in the teachers’ lounge with another teacher whom I’ll call Pat.  Pat is an excellent teacher and fun to be around, though I sometimes think she tries too hard to look and feel “hip,” or “cool” with the kids.  We all want to stay young, but she goes too far.  Then, in my dream, she kisses a student, quite inappropriately.  Mouth open, she was practically sucking the life out of him!  I was startled and horrified to see this!

In the next fleeting snippet of a dream from a few nights later, I only remember one thing:  I am the one who kisses a student!  Just like Pat…way over the top!  It makes me cringe even to write this!  But there it is.

I can’t imagine why I’ve had such disturbing dreams!  I NEVER think thoughts like this at school or any other time!  The very idea has me feeling extremely anxious.  Please help me understand why this happened.

Signed,

Distraught in the Classroom

Dear Distraught,

Even though you’re only left with tiny fragments of what might have been full-blown dreams, those few pictures can tell a memorable story!

As you’ve no doubt heard me say:  Our dreams sometimes choose frightening images to shake us up and draw our attention to matters that we may be oblivious to, or denying, in our waking lives.  Also, one approach to dream images to is work with the idea that each person in the dream reflects a part of the dreamer. 

You have given us several key ideas about your life and your dream.  First are the statements that your students keep you young, and “we all want to stay young.”  Next you comment on Pat and her propensity to try too hard to stay young.  Finally you find your Dreaming Self mimicking Pat’s extreme, inappropriate behavior. 

Could it be that your Dreaming Self is pointing something out to you that you don’t see about yourself ~ that Pat reflects a part of you?  In waking life, are you thinking or acting more like Pat than you acknowledge?  It seems a logical conclusion since you preface the dream with a statement about your students keeping you young, and describe Pat as trying to suck the young life out of her student.  Could it be that you, too, are trying too hard in some way?

It’s hard to be objective about ourselves, Dear Dreamer.  Often our dreams offer up difficult images to startle us into a new self-awareness.

Sweet Dreams to You!

SMYD

sendmeyourdreams@mail.com