Dreamer's grandma still knows best

Dreams of a loved one who has passed away can be especially powerful.  All the memories and emotions associated with that person emerge.  Many feel that these are actual communications from the departed.  But even for those who do not accept that explanation, such dreams can offer important insights for the dreamer.

Dear Carolyn,

My grandmother and I became very close after both my parents died when I was still a young woman.  We could talk about everything!  This was a wonderful discovery for me since I didn’t really know her that well before because we lived in different states across the country.  At that time in my life it was amazing to talk with her about men!  I had several failed relationships and she had experience I never knew about.  (Up until then I only knew “grandma stuff” about her.)  She gave me some great advice that has stuck with me all these years.

Now, she has been gone many years and I am at a very different point in my life.  This week I had an extremely poignant dream about her.  In it, I am kneeling in front of her and I am so happy to see her!  She takes my face in her hands and looks at me with such love.  We both are teary-eyed.  But then, just as she is about to tell me something important, the dream ends.

I felt so glad to have had this experience – it wasn’t like other dreams.  It seemed like I was really with her!  I was sad to wake up and especially sad that I didn’t get to hear what she had to say!

Signed,

Missing Grandma’s Advice

Dear Missing,

A Freudian approach to your dream would suggest that your yearning for your grandmother produced a dream about her, and dismiss it as that.  At the other end of the spectrum are those who would say that this is without a doubt a visit from beyond the grave.

The distinction may be less important than the application of the dream’s content to your waking life. 

One of the most important things you have retained from your days with your grandmother was learning about her life’s experience and the advice she offered to you in what seems to have been a tumultuous time in your life.  You do not give too many details, but perhaps there is something in your life now that could use a bit of Grandma’s wisdom.  Chances are good that if you review key relationships you have now, at home, at work and in the community, there is a place where her kind of wisdom applies. 

You mention that your grandmother surprised you with her knowledge and understanding of romantic relationships.  That’s a good place to start.  Did she offer you a cardinal rule?  Even though she didn’t speak it in the dream before you woke, chances are good that she would say that rule still applies today.

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

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Vehicles in our dreams often speak to our modes of operating or negotiating the obstacles we encounter in life.  If the wheels are flat or damaged our ability to move through difficult times is compromised.  The bicycle in today’s dream is a good example:

Dear SMYD,

Years ago I worked with a young man whom I’ll call “Steven.”  He was smart and handsome and had a big heart.  But he seemed to have a hole inside that he couldn’t fill.  He wanted to be loved, but never seemed to understand that he was loved and even admired by his peers.  My heart ached for him!

I’ve had a big emotional blow recently, and now I have dreamed about Steven.  Seeing him again, even in a dream, got me feeling worried like I did back when I was trying to help him see that his glass was half full, and that everything would ultimately be OK.

In the dream, Steven came to me asking if I would buy his bicycle.  He didn’t really want to sell it, but he needed the money.  I didn’t need a bicycle, but I gave him $50 for it as a charity.  I stored the bike in a beautiful, well-appointed area, but the public had access to it, and someone damaged it.  When Steven came back wanting to buy his bicycle, its front wheel was bent and warped and had no tire. 

I felt bad but defended my actions saying after all, the bike was mine.  Only then did I realize that a better way to have helped Steven would have been to buy the bike and then ask him to keep it for me.  That way he could have the money he needed and his bike in good condition.  And I could feel strong and smart and magnanimous for helping him on his way. 

Then, the most amazing thing happened:  The dream replayed with this alternate ending!  Isn’t that the happiest ending ever!

Signed,

Do Over

Dear Do Over,

It appears that you were a counselor of some sort when you knew Steven.  You could see all the solid and empowering qualities he embodied, even if he couldn’t see them.  Your task and goal was to help him and support him as he found his way to equilibrium.

Now, your task is to help yourself in a similar way.  But, having experienced an emotional blow that has you feeling weakened and needy like Steven, your dream shows you giving yourself what might be considered half  ($50 – only 50%) of the same support that you need.

The bicycle in your dream suggests your balance is clearly compromised because of the shock you have been dealt.  You must be wobbling, reeling from the blow.

Like Steven, you may not recognize that you too are smart, handsome and have a big heart.  Give yourself 100% of the self-love and self-confidence you deserve.  When you accept it, you will be able to cruise past this setback with ease.

Sweet Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

Even a sip of rum can be playing with fire for a recovering alcoholic.

The dreams of addicts present a special case.  Dreams of relapse among addicts and alcoholics are common.  They can be unsettling and require careful attention.

Dear Carolyn,

I spent too many years drinking too much.  I guess my story is typical in that it took the deterioration of friendships, loss of close relationships, and the near-loss of my job to wake me up.  I went into rehab and turned my life around.  I've been sober for more than six months now and the world is a different place!  So you can imagine how disturbing it was for me to dream of drinking again!

In the dream I am in a mall pushing a shopping cart.  Everything around me is white.  The walls are white; the floors are white; the shopping cart is white – everything I can see is white except a glass of rum.  (I was not a rum drinker.  Mostly, I drank wine to excess.)  In the dream, I would take a sip of rum and then ask myself if I had to reset my “birthday.”  That’s the date of my sobriety.  It marks the beginning of a new life.  After the first drink, the answer was “no.”  So I had another drink and asked the same question, “Do I have to reset my birthday?”  Again it was “no.”

Then, I seemed to know I was dreaming.  I could see that I was going to get drunk and to hurt myself, to have to start over.  With that, I woke up.  Even though it seemed almost funny when I woke up, I felt relieved to leave the dream behind.

Signed,

Scared of a Relapse

Dear Scared,

Researchers suggest that dreaming of an addiction during recovery is indicative of the depth of work an addict is doing.  In other words, you are working on your rehabilitation during your waking hours as well as during your dreams!

The fact that you became lucid during this dream, that moment when you stepped back during the dream and were able to see what was happening from an objective viewpoint, is further evidence that you are not only working on your sobriety, but you are able to observe your own process fairly effectively.

Your dream is set in a sterile environment, all white, and may speak to an experiment that you (and any addict) might be mulling over.  You were not a rum drinker, but in the dream you begin taking sips of rum testing whether you become drunk and have to start the process of sobriety over.  In other words, you ask, “Could I get away with a careful sip of alcohol?”

Beware of this Dear Dreamer!  Some research suggests that dreaming of relapsing can weaken a recovering addict’s resolve.  Hold fast to this admonition from Summit Behavioral Health experts in Princeton, NJ:   You do not have control over what you dream about, and what you dream about does not have control over what you do.

Sweet Dreams to You!

Dream to Dreamer: Stay at your own peril!

Don't stay in an unhealthy situation until you need CPR!

Our dreams have a remarkable capacity to ferret out past experiences that parallel current circumstances.  A person, an event or a conversation may be the perfect fit to illustrate what is happening right now.  Today we find that without recognizing it, our dreamer has repeated her father’s unfortunate attitude toward work.

Dear Carolyn,

My dad made a crucial mistake:  He extended the time he worked in a job he hated because of the money.  He had to travel all the time and he was miserable being away from his home and family.  But he kept on working, saying he’d retire when his bank account was fat.  According to my mom they didn’t need the money; and he died from a heart attack while working.

He’s been gone almost five years, but now I have dreamed of him.  In the dream he was sitting at my desk at my job and working eagerly at the computer.  (He hated computers and so do I!)  When I saw him there, I said proudly, “That’s my dad!  Yes, he came back to life to do this work.” 

Our family sometimes makes a joke about a person who looks bad but is walking around among us.  It doesn’t seem too funny right now, but it is what I said next:  “We dug him up to do this job.”

Why in the world would I have this dream and say those things about my dad?

Signed,

Missing Dad

Dear Missing,

You offer a small hint as to why this dream is pertinent to you now:  Your dad hated computers and so do you.  He, or at least his attitude, sat at your desk doing your job!

Without more details we can only surmise, but it is worth considering this possible application of the dream:  Have you continued to work eagerly at a job that you hate?  Your mom says your dad did not need any more money, but he kept on in an unhappy situation because he set an artificial goal for himself.  He would not let himself retire or relax until that false goal was reached.  The sad irony came when he died on the job.

Your dream suggests that most likely, you have decided to bite the bullet in a similar way.  You are plugging away at something that is wrong for you and unnecessary to boot.  You do not have to continue, but like him, you do for an artificial reason.  Maybe you promised yourself or someone else that you would.  Maybe you have fabricated a goal that eludes you.  Or maybe you simply do not know what else to do. 

But your dream says it is time for you to take some serious stock, Dear Dreamer.  You may have persuaded yourself that you cannot quit something that you probably should quit.  You are not the only one on the planet who can do it.  Your pride in staying is misplaced.

Take care, so that your family does not have to dig you up to see you.

Sweet Dreams to You!

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Dreamer's father knows best

Houses in our dreams may represent our states of mind or our perceptions of those we encounter.  Exterior and interior attributes of the house, as well as the dreamer’s emotional reaction to it offer tips to the meaning.   Today’s dream demonstrates this clearly as a forbidding house offers some pleasant surprises.

Dear Carolyn,

I’ve been divorced for several years and have enjoyed my single life.  But I have to admit, it can be lonely at times.  My family says if I’m not careful, I’m going to wind up spending my old age alone.  They say I make snap decisions about the men I meet.  I admit to being particular about the men I date.  I’ve learned enough over time that it’s pretty easy to size someone up and know if he’s worth my time.  

I dreamed that my dad and I were driving around in a van, looking at one bedroom apartments for me.  We stopped in front of an apartment that was actually a one bedroom house with a yard and a fence.  It looked kind of forbidding, but for some reason, my dad wanted me to consider moving into this house.

The house sat very close to an old wire fence.  The house was pretty old too and dark.  It was in the neighborhood where I live now, but the fence looked too old-style for the area and out of place. 

I went around to the back and was surprised to see a bright, sunny yard with green grass that needed to be mowed.  Someone was there to show me around and again, to my surprise, the interior of the house was clean and bright with shiny hardwood floors, a large kitchen and dining room.  Wow, I thought.  I didn’t expect it to be so nice on the inside!

Signed,

House Shopping with Dad

Dear House Shopper,

Your dream presents some interesting possibilities for your consideration.  First of all, you are driving around with your dad.  This implies perhaps that you operate with his outlook on things, or since he’s in the driver’s seat in your dream, that you might consider looking at things from his viewpoint.

Sure enough, he takes you to a place you might not ordinarily consider.  You make a quick assessment of the place as forbidding based on the “curb appeal” of the house, much like you say you size up a potential date.  But when you give the place a second chance, when you look past “de-fences,” you find a bright, sunny, attractive and appealing place.  You had a lovely, pleasant surprise.

Is there someone in your vicinity who seems forbidding, Dear Dreamer?  If he sits close to his defenses like the house in your dream, he may scare you away.  It’s not uncommon for a person who’s been hurt to protect himself with a gruff exterior.  Your dream suggests he’s worth a second look.  And so does your dad.  He wouldn’t steer you wrong, would he?

Sweet Dreams to You!

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Dear Dream, Am I a rat?

Our dreams help us see the true nature of things we may have mischaracterized in our waking lives.  Sometimes a beautiful mirage is revealed for the desert behind it.  Or, as in today’s dream, something we think is unsavory may be shown to be sweet instead.

Dear SMYD,

I’m in love!  And it’s just like everyone said it would be – it came when I least expected it.  I had almost given up when I met this great guy, “Phil.”  We’ve had a whirlwind type relationship and everything is going so well.  I couldn’t be happier, except for one thing:  I have started to feel guilty about my women friends in the book club I started four years ago.  I hardly ever talk to them except to say I’m not coming to the meeting again because I’m going somewhere else with Phil.  They always say it’s no big deal, but I wonder if I’m being a bad friend.  My family even teases me about how involved I am with Phil.

I was worrying about all this as I fell asleep last night and had this dream:  I was carrying a box, like a shoebox, with a rat in it.  I wanted to keep the lid on it.  But for some reason I opened the box and it wasn’t a rat at all.  I was expecting to be afraid and repulsed by the rat.  But it was a cute little mouse instead.  Not scary or dirty at all.  In fact, when I reached to pick him up and  really focused my eyes, it was a gerbil.  It was brown and white and very sweet.  I was very relieved and happy.  I let it out to play.

Signed,

Scared of the Rat

Dear Scared,

Congratulations!  Falling in love is hard to beat!  And you sound like the kind of person who deserves happiness.  You also seem to be the extremely thoughtful kind of person who is acutely conscious of other’s feelings and well being.

This would account for the fact that in your dream, you think you’re carrying around a rat.  You want to keep the lid on your fears because a rat is the perfect metaphor for betrayal.  Rats turn their backs and rats abandon ship.  That’s what you were worrying about:  Have I abandoned my friends?  Am I a rat to my family?

But when you open the box you find that no, there is no rat.  It’s a sweet little mouse.  Adorable, harmless and even attractive.  You reach out to this little mouse who wouldn't hurt anyone, and lo and behold, even better, it’s a gerbil.

That’s you, Dear Dreamer:  A sweet and lovable person who would never hurt her friends or family.  If they’re teasing you, it’s because they’re happy for you. 

It’s perfect that in your dream you let the gerbil out to play.  No one has been slighted or hurt.  Your friends understand your new circumstance and wish you well.  Relax and enjoy your new life.

Sweet Dreams to You!

Dream takes blinders off the dreamer

Our dreams have a helicopter’s perspective.  They can show us things that are hard to see from the ground level when we’re in the middle of the action.  In just this way, today’s dream offers another angle on a misunderstanding between long-term friends:

Dear SMYD,

My best friend “Jenny” and I have been “besties” since we were 13 years old!  We have shared everything and never been in a fight over anything.  We even said we would never let a boy come between us and she dated two of my boyfriends after I broke up with them.  It didn’t bother me at all! 

But now, it’s different.  We had a fight about my current boyfriend “John” because she kept coming on to him.  When I told her to stop, she denied it.  She said I was crazy and insecure.  I want to believe her that it’s all in my mind because I really like this guy and I do feel a little insecure about him.

Then I dreamed that Jenny shot my brother and she wanted me to help her with her cover up story.  I did get involved helping her cover it up, but as we went along it got harder and harder to do and less and less believable.  We went from things like, “I didn’t know the gun was loaded,” to “It was self-defense,” to “I was confused and it was an accident.”  I was starting to pull away from all this when I saw the shooting re-enacted.  She shot him in the back in cold blood!  Then she just rolled her eyes and acted like it was no big deal!

Signed,

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught,

Your dream offers you some unpleasant news on a couple of fronts:  First, Jenny shot your brother.  Your dream starts with that as a given.  In waking life, you don’t want to believe that she made a move on your boyfriend, but there are few metaphors clearer than being shot in the back! 

Your dream replays your unwillingness to see the facts in two ways:  It shows she shot your brother, not you, but you are the injured party.  And it includes your initial agreement to help Jenny cover up her crime, pretend it never happened.  Even though you’re skeptical, you go along with her excuses until the truth is replayed before your eyes.  Perhaps this will happen in your waking life too, Dear Dreamer.  You may have to see it again, right in front of your eyes, to believe it.

Your dream puts your suspicions and your true feelings on the front burner.  In the end, it shows Jenny as dismissive of you and of the harm done to your friendship.

However, it is worth considering that Jenny may be afraid you will choose this boy over her, and she’ll lose you forever.  Perhaps she’s sabotaging unconsciously.  You’ve been friends a long time, Dear Dreamer.  Can you have a serious boyfriend and a best girlfriend too?

Sweet Dreams to You!