Dreamer's father knows best

Houses in our dreams may represent our states of mind or our perceptions of those we encounter.  Exterior and interior attributes of the house, as well as the dreamer’s emotional reaction to it offer tips to the meaning.   Today’s dream demonstrates this clearly as a forbidding house offers some pleasant surprises.

Dear Carolyn,

I’ve been divorced for several years and have enjoyed my single life.  But I have to admit, it can be lonely at times.  My family says if I’m not careful, I’m going to wind up spending my old age alone.  They say I make snap decisions about the men I meet.  I admit to being particular about the men I date.  I’ve learned enough over time that it’s pretty easy to size someone up and know if he’s worth my time.  

I dreamed that my dad and I were driving around in a van, looking at one bedroom apartments for me.  We stopped in front of an apartment that was actually a one bedroom house with a yard and a fence.  It looked kind of forbidding, but for some reason, my dad wanted me to consider moving into this house.

The house sat very close to an old wire fence.  The house was pretty old too and dark.  It was in the neighborhood where I live now, but the fence looked too old-style for the area and out of place. 

I went around to the back and was surprised to see a bright, sunny yard with green grass that needed to be mowed.  Someone was there to show me around and again, to my surprise, the interior of the house was clean and bright with shiny hardwood floors, a large kitchen and dining room.  Wow, I thought.  I didn’t expect it to be so nice on the inside!

Signed,

House Shopping with Dad

Dear House Shopper,

Your dream presents some interesting possibilities for your consideration.  First of all, you are driving around with your dad.  This implies perhaps that you operate with his outlook on things, or since he’s in the driver’s seat in your dream, that you might consider looking at things from his viewpoint.

Sure enough, he takes you to a place you might not ordinarily consider.  You make a quick assessment of the place as forbidding based on the “curb appeal” of the house, much like you say you size up a potential date.  But when you give the place a second chance, when you look past “de-fences,” you find a bright, sunny, attractive and appealing place.  You had a lovely, pleasant surprise.

Is there someone in your vicinity who seems forbidding, Dear Dreamer?  If he sits close to his defenses like the house in your dream, he may scare you away.  It’s not uncommon for a person who’s been hurt to protect himself with a gruff exterior.  Your dream suggests he’s worth a second look.  And so does your dad.  He wouldn’t steer you wrong, would he?

Sweet Dreams to You!

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Dear Dream, Am I a rat?

Our dreams help us see the true nature of things we may have mischaracterized in our waking lives.  Sometimes a beautiful mirage is revealed for the desert behind it.  Or, as in today’s dream, something we think is unsavory may be shown to be sweet instead.

Dear SMYD,

I’m in love!  And it’s just like everyone said it would be – it came when I least expected it.  I had almost given up when I met this great guy, “Phil.”  We’ve had a whirlwind type relationship and everything is going so well.  I couldn’t be happier, except for one thing:  I have started to feel guilty about my women friends in the book club I started four years ago.  I hardly ever talk to them except to say I’m not coming to the meeting again because I’m going somewhere else with Phil.  They always say it’s no big deal, but I wonder if I’m being a bad friend.  My family even teases me about how involved I am with Phil.

I was worrying about all this as I fell asleep last night and had this dream:  I was carrying a box, like a shoebox, with a rat in it.  I wanted to keep the lid on it.  But for some reason I opened the box and it wasn’t a rat at all.  I was expecting to be afraid and repulsed by the rat.  But it was a cute little mouse instead.  Not scary or dirty at all.  In fact, when I reached to pick him up and  really focused my eyes, it was a gerbil.  It was brown and white and very sweet.  I was very relieved and happy.  I let it out to play.

Signed,

Scared of the Rat

Dear Scared,

Congratulations!  Falling in love is hard to beat!  And you sound like the kind of person who deserves happiness.  You also seem to be the extremely thoughtful kind of person who is acutely conscious of other’s feelings and well being.

This would account for the fact that in your dream, you think you’re carrying around a rat.  You want to keep the lid on your fears because a rat is the perfect metaphor for betrayal.  Rats turn their backs and rats abandon ship.  That’s what you were worrying about:  Have I abandoned my friends?  Am I a rat to my family?

But when you open the box you find that no, there is no rat.  It’s a sweet little mouse.  Adorable, harmless and even attractive.  You reach out to this little mouse who wouldn't hurt anyone, and lo and behold, even better, it’s a gerbil.

That’s you, Dear Dreamer:  A sweet and lovable person who would never hurt her friends or family.  If they’re teasing you, it’s because they’re happy for you. 

It’s perfect that in your dream you let the gerbil out to play.  No one has been slighted or hurt.  Your friends understand your new circumstance and wish you well.  Relax and enjoy your new life.

Sweet Dreams to You!

Dream takes blinders off the dreamer

Our dreams have a helicopter’s perspective.  They can show us things that are hard to see from the ground level when we’re in the middle of the action.  In just this way, today’s dream offers another angle on a misunderstanding between long-term friends:

Dear SMYD,

My best friend “Jenny” and I have been “besties” since we were 13 years old!  We have shared everything and never been in a fight over anything.  We even said we would never let a boy come between us and she dated two of my boyfriends after I broke up with them.  It didn’t bother me at all! 

But now, it’s different.  We had a fight about my current boyfriend “John” because she kept coming on to him.  When I told her to stop, she denied it.  She said I was crazy and insecure.  I want to believe her that it’s all in my mind because I really like this guy and I do feel a little insecure about him.

Then I dreamed that Jenny shot my brother and she wanted me to help her with her cover up story.  I did get involved helping her cover it up, but as we went along it got harder and harder to do and less and less believable.  We went from things like, “I didn’t know the gun was loaded,” to “It was self-defense,” to “I was confused and it was an accident.”  I was starting to pull away from all this when I saw the shooting re-enacted.  She shot him in the back in cold blood!  Then she just rolled her eyes and acted like it was no big deal!

Signed,

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught,

Your dream offers you some unpleasant news on a couple of fronts:  First, Jenny shot your brother.  Your dream starts with that as a given.  In waking life, you don’t want to believe that she made a move on your boyfriend, but there are few metaphors clearer than being shot in the back! 

Your dream replays your unwillingness to see the facts in two ways:  It shows she shot your brother, not you, but you are the injured party.  And it includes your initial agreement to help Jenny cover up her crime, pretend it never happened.  Even though you’re skeptical, you go along with her excuses until the truth is replayed before your eyes.  Perhaps this will happen in your waking life too, Dear Dreamer.  You may have to see it again, right in front of your eyes, to believe it.

Your dream puts your suspicions and your true feelings on the front burner.  In the end, it shows Jenny as dismissive of you and of the harm done to your friendship.

However, it is worth considering that Jenny may be afraid you will choose this boy over her, and she’ll lose you forever.  Perhaps she’s sabotaging unconsciously.  You’ve been friends a long time, Dear Dreamer.  Can you have a serious boyfriend and a best girlfriend too?

Sweet Dreams to You!

Dream's advice: Be your new "old" self

Our dreams frequently tap into our stores of memories, employing the images of people and places we have known to help us navigate uncertain circumstances in our current lives.  An old high school acquaintance is a good example from today’s dream:

Dear SMYD,

I am back in the dating scene again after many years.  I even signed up with an online dating service.  I created a true but flattering profile and began to get responses right away.  

Then I dreamed that I was laughing and kind of awkwardly flirting with “Jim,” a man I met on the dating service who is several years younger than I am.  We were walking along and holding hands tight, but it was uncomfortable.  Then we saw an announcement for a high school reunion for the class of 1988.  I scoffed at how old those people were before I realized that it was my class!  I graduated in 1988!  

Just then, a guy I knew in high school, “Bill,” raced up next to us in a fast car and screeched to a stop.  He wanted me to leave Jim and get in the car with him, and I was torn between the two.  His car stalled and he couldn’t go anywhere.  And when I turned to look, Jim was gone too!  I was flustered and unhappy at being left alone.

By the way, “Bill” is someone I actually knew in high school.  I thought he was cute, but he scared me a little.  He asked me out a couple of times, but even though I was attracted to him, I thought he was too wild for me.

Signed,

Teenager Again

Dear Teenager,

Your dream has taken you down memory lane to a time when you were first in the dating scene.  But it reflects your current situation in a couple of ways:  First, you mention that you created a “true but flattering” profile of yourself on the dating service.  The profile drew responses, perhaps of younger men who no doubt think you are younger too.  In your dream, Jim is several years younger than you are.  When you and Jim hold hands, it’s forced, “tight,” and uncomfortable.  The suggestion is that you may be trying too hard, holding on too tight, to a younger, more flattering version of yourself. 

It’s no accident that your dream selected Bill to draw your attention to feelings you had back then:  Running with the young and reckless can be dangerous and frightening!  Your instincts steered you clear back then, and are doing the same now.

Finally, when Bill appears in a fast car, trying to lure you away, he stalls out and cannot go anywhere.  This is another metaphor for the mindset of being stuck in the past.  When choosing between these options you are left in the lurch, Dear Dreamer, frustrated and unhappy at being alone.

It’s better to approach dating as your “new” grown up self than to try so hard to be young again.

Sweet Dreams to You!

Bad wig can't disguise dreamer's thoughts

One effective strategy for getting at a dream’s meaning is to begin with its most compelling element.  This could be your dream’s most colorful component, its most frightening situation, its most pleasing object, or as in today’s dream, the feature hardest to control!

Dear Carolyn,

I dreamed I couldn’t control my eyelashes.  They were going in every direction and kind of wild.  I kept putting more and more mascara on them trying to get them under control and normal looking.  But they looked ridiculous.  I wound up putting on some sort of wig in hopes that my eyelashes would somehow blend in better with it.  This seemed to work because it distracted people’s attention from my eyelashes.  People were fooled into believing that this was a normal and acceptable appearance.  But I knew it was fantastic.  I went around my neighborhood looking and feeling ridiculous, but pretending everything was OK.  I knew any minute I would be found out.

Signed,

Ridiculous Disguise

Dear Disguised,

Your dream speaks about your struggle to appear normal when you’re feeling anything but normal.  Since you haven’t offered the context from your waking life, we will consider two possibilities:  Either you are experiencing a difficult time because your outlook is radically out of sync with those around you (in your neighborhood) with whom you’re normally comfortable.  Or, you’ve somehow landed in a circumstance that is contrary to your typical comfort zone and you feel you must disguise your real self to avoid drawing unwanted attention.

Since in effect, eyelashes grow out of your eyes, they could be said to stand for your outlook.  So it’s important to reflect on whether it is your outlook that is causing you distress. 

We don’t have to stretch too far to consider that the way you are seeing things is troubling you.  Therefore, you’re trying to bring your viewpoints under control with more and more mascara.  But make no mistake; it is an effort that taxes your peace of mind and your ability to relax in your everyday circumstances.  If that’s the case, a counselor or trusted friend may be able to help you talk through the unruly thoughts that you’re wrestling with. 

Similarly, in dreams a person’s hair may be a metaphor for her thoughts – hair flows from her head – her brain – just as thoughts do.  In your dream, you wear a wig, false hair, in effect covering your thoughts.  You do this to distract those around you from the uncontrollable point of view that is troubling you.

We all take steps to be courteous when we’re in polite company.  We don’t necessarily share our views or opinions when doing so could destroy the mood of a conversation.  But your dream suggests you’re in a struggle with powerful upsetting views and thinking, or you’re trying to blend with people in a situation that is inappropriate for you.

In either case, your dream emphasizes your extreme discomfort.  It’s time to make some changes, Dear Dreamer. 

Sweet Dreams to You!

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Estrangement weighs heavily in mom's dream

Our dreams will sometimes take the questions and dilemmas we’re engaged in during the day and extrapolate on them.  Consider all components of such dreams rather than dismissing them as mere rehashes of the day’s worries. 

Every mother's goal is to keep her child safe.  But when he breaks free of her restraints, anxiety, uncertainty and guilt are sure to follow.

Dear SMYD,

I met this new man and I’m trying to decide what I should tell him about my son, “Burt.”  I loved dancing and playing with him, taking care of him, etc.  Those were good memories.  He's a grown man now and we are estranged, just FYI. 

I dreamt that Burt and I were in the bargain basement of a department store.  He was about 3-4 years of age. I had a harness and a leash on him.  (I never used a harness on him when he was a child.)  The leash became disengaged from the harness and like lightning, he was gone.  (He never "took off" like that when he was little, not until he was in his teens!) 

I cried; I looked; I asked for help; no one seemed to be concerned.  I went home and called the police, then went back to the store and called the powers that be at the store.  There were nondescript people around.  I kept saying to the uninterested parties, “but he's only a little boy, a baby.” 

It was really distressing and I was just trapped in the emotion.

Signed,

Upset Mom

Dear Upset,

By adulthood, all of us carry powerful feelings about the relationships in our lives, especially if those relationships ended differently from what we hoped or expected.  Your budding relationship with a new man provides the perfect backdrop for a review of your relationship with your estranged son.  Awake and asleep, you’re weighing how much to reveal to him and when. 

First, your dream is replaying the emotions you felt as the events in your relationship with Burt unfolded.  This puts you on notice that all those feelings are alive and well in you, in contrast to the selective “good memories” you mention, “just FYI.”

Also, your dream ignites the pain and guilt every parent feels when in that mode of replaying the past.  Burt got away from you.  “What went wrong?  What could I have done differently?”   Any parent can relate to that kind of circular, hurtful second guessing. 

That the setting of your dream is a "bargain basement" suggests a thought that somehow Burt is discounted or devalued or perhaps that a “cut rate” is in play if you don’t tell the whole story.  Don’t forget, your dream provides a dramatic illustration of the pain that is just below the surface for you.  If you attempt to share only the rosy memories, you discount the full picture.  Is it too soon to reveal so much of yourself to a new man?

The disinterested parties may represent the contrast between the heavy weight you place on the distress of estrangement and the level of concern and negative assessment you assume others will levy.  Go easy on yourself, Dear Dreamer!   Your self-judgment is harsh enough.

Sweet Dreams to You!

Your dreams are all you!

Your Dreaming Self has hundreds and even thousands of people to choose from when selecting the cast of characters for your dreams.  But s/he picks certain individuals because they fulfill the requirements of the story you need to be told.  It’s no accident that a neighbor you haven’t thought of in years appears in your dream instead of the good friend you see every day, or visa versa.  Today’s dream offers a good example.

Dear SMYD,

I know you always say that we dream about particular people for a reason, and I think it’s true.  But this dream still bothers me, and I can’t understand why these women came across the way they did. 

I dreamed about two different people that I know.  One of them, “Brenda,” I know from school.  She kind of acts tough, but is really a marshmallow.  I found this out about her once when I saw her being pushy and another person stood up to her.  She nearly collapsed!  She cried and practically ran away!

The other one, “Jackie,” lives in my neighborhood.  She is strong, athletic, blonde and confident.  She is smart and people listen to her.  She seems to get her way without even trying.  People just do what she wants and feel good about it!

In my dream, I was at work and Brenda was sitting at my desk.  Then Jackie walked up and I introduced these two women to each other.  Suddenly I thought that they were lesbians (I don’t think they are) and maybe they would “like” each other.  Sure enough, Brenda got all shy and Jackie started to flirt a little bit.  I thought to myself it was probably a good thing I introduced them to each other.

What does it mean that in my dream they’re lesbians?

Signed,

Straight Woman 

Dear Straight,

The background information you offered about each woman and the setting for your dream provide keys to understanding how it applies to you.

Think about the traits each woman portrays:  Brenda is a little bit of a bully, bluffing her way through things until someone calls her bluff.  Then she turns in fear and runs.  Jackie on the other hand, comes across as friendly and smart.  Her easy confidence carries every situation, putting people at ease, garnering their trust.  People want to follow her lead.

Most likely, Dear Dreamer, you will recognize these as your own traits.  Sometimes at work you try to push your way through, bluffing when you’re unsure of yourself or your position.  Your dream suggests that you might want to make the acquaintance of your more confident self.  Bring her to the forefront.  You’re smart and personable.  Those are the traits that will propel you into leadership roles.

A little self-love is called for by the concept of lesbianism.  Learn to acknowledge and appreciate both parts of yourself.  When you find yourself feeling unsure, take note.   It’s OK to say, “I don’t know.”  Let your confident self show the scaredy-cat how to interact when challenges arise.

Sweet Dreams to You!