Can't Save My Daughter

Our Dreamer Writes:

Dear SMYD,

Our daughter is a wonderful girl who fell in with a bad crowd.  She began doing hard drugs and got addicted.  All the bad things that you can imagine followed:  she lived in squalor, stole to support her habit, went in and out of rehab facilities, even went to jail.  We’ve paid for the rehab and lawyers, bought her food, clothes, everything.  Our hearts have been broken and since she’s an adult, now 27 years old, there is less and less we can do when she’s in trouble – she refuses to come home and live with us. 

She’s out of jail now and sober, but we cannot relax and feel like this is the time she’ll finally rise out of her problems.  If we miss our regular phone conversation with her, we start thinking the worst right away.

We are now one week past our normal phone call/check in, and I had three short, terrible dreams:

First, she’s in a mud pit, or some kind of quick sand.  I cannot get to her and help her.  She keeps rising to the top, gasping for air, and going back under.

Second, we’re in a strange house, almost like a hoarder’s house – all stacked up with junk and clutter.  There’s a piece of bread in a weird toaster and it’s burning.  I can smell the smoke.  When she opens the toaster, the bread is black and ruined.

Third, in the same house, the same heaped up terribly disorganized kitchen, an egg is frying in a skillet, but it has a huge yolk, almost like a tennis ball, and it’s red like it’s filled with blood.  The fire is up too high, and I’m searching for a spatula in the mess, hoping to turn the egg, or get it out of the pan before it’s too late.

Needless to say, these three dreams have me frantic with worry.  What should I do?

Signed,

Helpless Parent

Dear Parent,

You may have heard me say - your dreams are your dreams.  They come from you and are about you and your feelings.   

The terrible images in your dreams provide metaphors that you may have used in describing your daughter:  she’s drowning in drugs and you can’t get to her; her brain is burnt up; it’s toast; she’s fried her brain.  It’s significant in each scenario that you want to help, but cannot.  You acknowledged it yourself, she’s an adult now. 

As you alluded to in your comments, in these extremely sad cases, most if not all the work of recovery must be done by the addict.  You dreams play that out in stark images for a loving and frightened parent.  You feel helpless.

But there is something you can do:  Take care of yourself.  Seek out a support group for parents in similar circumstances.  You are not alone.  Your daughter is lucky to have you.  Be sure she does.

Best Wishes and Sweeter Dreams to You, Dear Dreamer!

SMYD

sendmeyourdreams@mail.com